Mmm!
Dinner looks good.
So do you, but you're not covered in barbecue sauce.
Although...
Oh.
Well, this is for tomorrow night's potluck dinner with the girls.
Tonight, we are ordering in.
Well, that's just as good as a home-cooked meal made with love.
Well, sorry, but I want tomorrow night to be special.
It's so rare that we have just our girls here.
Well, you know what they say about free food,
it's like "Field of Dreams"... you cook it, and they will come.
Yeah, well, with the boys here, it's more like "Animal House"... food fight!
Don't build on my movie thing, it just hurts us both.
Hey.
Here's the food you forced me and Kristin to make for tomorrow.
Oh, thanks. It's so much more fun when everyone contributes.
Not really.
So can I have $1,000?
Uh, I think you're a little fuzzy on the value of a casserole.
Honey, what do you need $1,000 for?
I need some new recording equipment to make a decent demo.
Singing into my smart phone isn't really cutting it anymore.
When I was young, all we had to sing into was a hairbrush.
I mean... I mean, girls did.
Okay, so I've thought about this,
and I thought you guys could just take the money
out of my college fund since I'm not using it anyway.
But you will use that for college.
You know, like successful musicians...
Lana Del Rey, Grimes, Florida.
Flo Rida.
What?
When I'm a star, I won't need my college fund.
You guys can just spend it on magazines or something.
That money is for college.
Period.
Or try this... that money is for college. Question mark.
Not a chance. Hedera.
And that is a punctuation mark that you don't know about
because you never went to college.
This is so unfair.
Mandy gets to use her college fund all the time.
- For college. - For college.
I've seen her grades. She's barely in college.
Hey, everybody. Hi.
This sounds like fun.
I assume they said no.
Haters gonna hate.
That's fine. Uh, I'll give you the money for the equipment.
- What? - What do you mean you'll give her the money?
It's important. Somebody has to.
What? No, you don't have that kind of cash lying around.
I'll spread it over three credit cards.
It... It's a stretch, but it's worth it.
Thank you, Kris. You will be the first and only person I am thanking at the Grammy's.
What is a hedera?
Synced and corrected by Katniss Everdeen. www.addic7ed.com
I don't buy it.
No one else will either.
Hey. Here's your senior league softball uniform, Mr. Alzate.
Oh, thank you, Kyle.
Also, uh, there was a weird gas smell coming from your kitchen.
So I lit a bunch of scented candles.
I hope we have enough guys to play ball once Howard is no longer with us.
Oh, no.
Yeah. Oh, relax.
He's moving to Phoenix.
Because he's dying.
Hey, Kyle. Is my dad in there?
Yeah. Well, he went in there, but he could've gone out the window.
Or disguised himself and walked right past me.
Or... I'll just check.
You wanted to see me?
Eh.
Aw, that joke never gets old.
It's not a joke this time.
Your mom and I really didn't appreciate you
swooping in and parenting Eve, okay?
What about all the times you swooped in and parented Boyd?
I don't swoop.
I strut boldly.
And I don't want you paying for anything about Eve
as long as she's living under my roof.
Or under a roof.
Somebody has to look out for her, okay?
It's not like Mandy where you just give her whatever she wants.
Name one thing I gave Mandy.
College tuition, free room and board, uh, a basement for her business.
Name four things.
Face it, okay? Mandy's your favorite.
My favorite what? Have you met Mandy?
Have you met me?
- Hey, Mr. Alzate? - Come in.
Hey, you forgot your...
Oh!
What's wrong?
What's wrong? Is there a spider?
Um, you're naked.
I know, that's why I'm worried about a spider.
Why are you naked?
I am changing into my uniform.
Either come in or stay out. Please.
I am choosing to stay out, sir.
I... I feel quite strongly about it.
Now Kristin thinks Mandy's our favorite?
That's crazy. We don't have a favorite.
You know, that... that they know of.
We do give Mandy whatever she wants, but it's really just to shut her up.
Yeah, but Mandy's always been the kid that needed our help the most.
I mean, I can see why Kristin would think that's favoritism.
Well, we... we got to keep Mandy alive, I mean, right?
Eve never asked us for anything, and the one time she does, we turn her down.
I just... maybe we should get her that recording equipment.
Fine.
I'll take it out of the second wife jewelry fund.
I mean, this whole thing lasted a lot longer than I thought it would.
- Hey, guys. - Hey!
Hi. Hi, hi, hi.
- Hi. - Hi, sweetie.
Mm.
Welcome to the family reunited again yay dinner.
She had a whole 30 minutes to come up with that.
Everything looks great, Mom.
Ooh, and you got my favorite dressing, thanks.
Of course. Favorite for the favorite.
Still a little second guessing our parenting, huh?
Oh, didn't know. Not surprised.
Continue.
Well, you guys think it's not fair the way we divvy things up,
so we have decided to even things out a little.
Are we all getting cars? No.
Oh, my God! We're all getting cars!
Eve, we've decided we're gonna pay for the recording equipment.
Nice!
Kind of a wash for me, but thanks.
Eh, that's typical.
I hate to ask, but what... what do... what do you mean typical?
Oh, 'cause as usual, little Eve-y gets everything.
What... I get everything?
You're the one who gets everything.
Oh, whoa, whoa. So you think Mandy's the favorite, too?
Wait, me?
No.
That's a joke. I'm the least favorite.
That's what I keep saying. Yeah.
Yeah.
Like, I asked you for $800 for a new sewing machine,
you were like, "No, go to college."
The fact that you're so grateful makes up for that.
But not with Eve. It's like, "Oh, yeah,
skip college, go play hippie music, whatever you want."
Well, you're one to talk.
Yes, I am one to talk. I don't know what that means.
Well, it means... it means that you have all benefited from being our kids.
Right, so we do things differently for each one of you.
You know what? Let's say grace.
Okay.
Yeah, like how you get to live here rent free with your husband.
Uh, Mom gets to live here rent free with her husband.
You know, she's, uh, she's got you there, honey.
Rent free?
Believe me, I pay.
Oh, and you lived here rent free with a guy for years.
A guy?
Do you mean my baby?
He's still a guy.
She's got you there, honey.
Mandy, they had to help Kristin.
She completely screwed up her life.
Wait.
I-I-I'm doing great now.
Yeah, 'cause Dad handed you a cushy job.
Let's say grace.
I thought you were on my side.
Uh, I'm sorry. Are we pretending like
you got all your pay raises because you came up
with the brilliant idea for a restaurant to sell meat?
You know what, uh-uh-uh, I think... I think a prayer
right now would be a really good idea.
Great idea.
I... I have earned everything that I have gotten.
Oh, yeah, you earned that.
Your silverware at home sure looks a lot like the stuff at the restaurant.
Whoa!
This is where you could use that recording equipment.
And... and you are using your previous incompetence
at everything to milk these two even though you're doing great now.
Thank you. I mean, shut up.
Don't tell her to shut up.
Wait, you sold me out. You can both shut up.
I don't need to shut up because I'm leaving.
Sit back down. Sit back down.
- Wait, come back. - Both of you sit back down.
- Wait, but... - You're not leaving.
Sit back down!
Sorry, did you want to say grace?
Hey, Mike Baxter here for Outdoor Man
with a special message for our customers in California.
Our rockin' earthquake kits have come a long way
since the 1970s, unlike your governor.
Who for some mysterious reason is still Jerry Brown.
You wouldn't drive a car from the '70s unless you're an idiot,
but you let old governor moonbeam drive your whole state.
That's just weird.
Of course our customers in California
aren't the only ones who live on a fault line.
If you have a family, trust me, you're smack dab on top of one.
And people can be even worse than earthquakes.
And earthquake does its business, moves on.
Doesn't stick around and say, "It's not my fault!"
I really should be selling family-preparedness kits.
They'd come with aspirin, ear plugs, and plenty of brown liquor.
Because unlike California, if your family falls off
in the ocean, somebody's gonna bitch, "Not fair, you got to go in first!"
Okay, now, we're very good on canoes.
All right, but very low on paddles.
We'll need to order more.
Or some poor souls will be up a creek.
That's a joke, Kyle. That's a joke.
Come on. That's a joke.
It's an inventory joke.
And they're not easy to come by.
Let me tell you.
Good one, sir.
Um, can I go now?
Go? Don't... we just got started.
What do you mean go? Maybe... oh.
Maybe you should get somebody else to help you.
You know, I-I'm not good with numbers.
Or letters or my job.
You should probably just fire me.
Kyle, stop that.
This is ridiculous.
It's time to talk about the elephant in the room.
Right.
Can you please pick a different animal?
Oh, all right.
So you saw me naked, so what?
Americans are far too uptight about the human body.
I have a more European view.
I had a more full-frontal view.
Stop.
Look, I-I'm sorry, sir,
it's just that, you know, nudity makes me uncomfortable.
That's why I hate art.
All right, look, look. Let's ...let's stop this right now.
I have an idea. All right?
Let's go to my club.
We'll take a steam.
All right?
Once we're both naked and surrounded
by other naked men, you'll see how normal it is.
Wait, no, couldn't we just go to a museum,
you know, and look at their filthy Greek statues?
No.
Just you and me.
Sweating with a bunch of new friends.
Hm, all right?
And bring flip-flops.
I don't trust the floor.
When the girls come over, let me do the talking.
Yeah, has that ever not been the plan?
Maybe... maybe we should wait for the girls
to cool down a little... No, no, no, no.
...before we have a family meeting.
Yeah. They're isolated right now.
We can get into their heads.
This is how cult leaders work.
Honey, they resent each other so much right now,
and they think it's all our fault.
It is our fault.
We make parenting look a little too easy.
I think it's time we show them what kind of pain they put us through.
- Oh. - Right?
Ugh, the thought of torturing my kids shouldn't make me feel better.
But? It does.
Huh?
- Hey, guys. - Hey.
Hey.
Hope the food is good 'cause the ride over was bossy.
And whiny.
Well, Bossy, Whiny, save some of that for you sister, Bratty.
Come with me.
Okay, girls. Sit.
I don't want to sit in the middle.
Well, I'm not sitting next to her.
You don't always get what you want.
Oh, wait, you do.
All right, enough. Enough. Go sit down.
Now, I-I don't think you understand how hard it is to be a parent.
Um, hello?
I am a parent.
To Boyd. You have one goat, doesn't make you a farmer.
Your father and I love you all the same, but sometimes circumstances dictate
that we treat you differently.
Said every horrible parent ever.
We knew the logic probably wasn't gonna work, so we have a plan B.
All right.
Mandy, you think it's unfair that we're buying her recording equipment.
It's unfair.
And you think it's unfair that Mandy doesn't pay rent.
For her bedroom or the basement.
All right, now, you've worked for ever raise
at Outdoor Man, but I was considering giving you a bonus.
- Oh. - A bonus?
Well, I guess that's fair.
She has to match the number of menus to the number of people in the party.
When you have more than one kid, you can't make everybody happy.
Somebody is always gonna feel cheated.
So we've worked this out so that you guys get to pick
who gets the short straw.
No, I don't like the sound of this.
You shouldn't.
So here's what we're gonna do.
Mandy, either you pay rent, you don't get your bonus,
or you don't get your recording equipment.
You guys choose.
That's totally unfair.
Said every child ever.
Okay, so what are we gonna do?
Are we gonna take the time to trick Mandy
or just start shaking her like a rag doll?
I'm not gonna agree to pay rent, and I don't care what you do to me.
Stop, stop.
Okay, we don't have to fight.
I'll give up the bonus.
I can live with that.
Kris, you don't have to do this.
Yes, I do.
I-I started this whole thing
because I believed you needed that recording equipment.
And, honestly, maybe Dad has given me more than I deserve.
No, he hasn't.
I mean, he gave you the opportunity,
but you've totally killed it at the restaurant.
You shouldn't have to take the hit.
So are you saying you will?
Oh, God, no. No.
Did it sound like that? 'Cause it's so not that.
I can't let you suffer for me, Kris.
I'll just give up the equipment.
You don't have to. Well, I want to.
I won't be too old for a music career for at least two more years.
Mm, I don't know. You already act like you're 50.
It might be too late.
Okay, Mandy, you can't say that you won't pay rent
and then argue against us making the sacrifice.
Fine, I'll do it. I'll pay rent.
What?
Eve, you were right when you said that I'm no longer incompetent.
I'm the opposite.
I'm un-incompetent.
You shouldn't have to pay rent just because you're competent.
Let's just pretend that's a word.
But one of us has to take this.
Only because Mom and Dad made these stupid rules.
Two win and one loses? What kind of parenting is that?
I know. No wonder we're always fighting.
They run this family like "The Hunger Games."
It looked like Mom was enjoying it.
It's just sick.
We are not the ones that need a lesson.
They need a lesson. Yes.
Yeah, we need to let them know that no matter what happens,
we are gonna stick together because we are sisters.
Sisters. Mm-hmm.
I'd like to know what we're doing before I hug.
You're okay.
Come on.
Mm.
Oh.
All right.
Let the healing begin. Hm?
All right. Ah.
Ah.
Drop your towel, son. You're embarrassing me.
I'm just waiting for the steam to get so thick I can't see.
The reason you're here is so you can see all these guys naked.
You see that? You see what you did.
See, your uptight vibe drove everybody out.
I'm just not sure this is a good idea.
Kyle, nudity is a beautiful, natural thing.
It's the way the good Lord made us.
All right, open your eyes. Come here, come here.
Open your eyes.
Open your eyes, and take a look at that gentleman right there.
Ah. This isn't so bad.
See? In fact...
You have a very nice body, sir.
I'm... I'm just guessing, but is it pilates?
No flip-flops.
Enjoy your trip to the foot doctor.
I mean, that wasn't so bad.
Oh, it's bad again.
What's wrong?
I think I've figured out what's actually bothering me.
And?
You're not only my boss, I-I also think of you as a father.
And the last thing a son wants is to see his father with no clothes on.
I don't know. I don't think that's true.
Have you ever seen your father naked?
Oh, God.
Oh, God, where's my damn towel?
Ah, okay, I'm bending over. Look away.
Oh, they're awfully quiet in there.
Maybe they're putting.
You really this will bring them closer?
Come on. They love each other.
- Yeah. - No one's gonna take the hit.
We need to talk.
Okay.
You know, guys, it's okay if you didn't choose anybody.
Oh. Oh, no, we chose someone.
Yeah.
We chose Eve.
Wow. Didn't see that coming.
What do you...
You... you picked Eve to suffer? Your baby sister?
Those were the rules for your little lesson.
Oh, wait a minute, we're being played.
They think we'll back down because Eve's our favorite.
Mike, Mike.
Allegedly.
Oh, no. Nope, we're serious.
But we, uh, we realized something more important.
You're the real enemy.
- Hey! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Wait a second. Wait a second.
I'd like to see where this is going.
You guys tried to play us off against each other.
So from now on, no matter what you do, we're gonna stick up for each other.
Damn! That's the one thing I didn't want.
Since Mandy and I are coming out ahead, we are going to kick in
and pay for Eve's recording equipment.
Which means we all get what we want.
So there's your lesson, old man. Suck it!
Come on, sisters, let's grab some food
before they decide only two of us can eat.
Yeah, I'm starving. This is great.
We should be sisters more often.
Well, I like that they love each other, but I'm not wild about them hating us.
Hmm.
I'm okay with both. Let's eat.
Kyle, could you come here a minute please?
All right, entering, sir.
All right, I am lowering my hand.
And I am turning around.
Hey, hey, just calm down.
I just want you to check this mole.
Oh, dear God.
I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I'm kidding, all right.
How about a catch, huh?
Oh, I'd love that, sir.
You know, when my dad threw stuff at me, he never expected me to catch it.
Here.
Just put this on, here.
My own uniform.
Yes. You bet.
And... and ...and here.
And this.
Wow, my own wig.
Yeah.
Why?
You want to play catch or not?
I think so.
Look, Howard's dead, all right?
You're batting fifth.
After the game, we'll all go for a steam.